The Plot

Oh me, oh poor me! Where have I been? What have I done? It's like ages from the last time! I need to confess. I've been cheating on you, lj. I've been using facebook, enjoying all the turhuus and stupid applications.. seeing ex-ex-ex-boyfriends and their ugly faces, old bullies from the school years.. and now I'm finally back home. Lj, you are so much more.

It's just that it feels like it's been years. Like I've been on some deserted planet without any contacts to outside world. I've been lost! I don't know where to begin with! It surely will be a great job to start going through all the posts and fics and things my friends have been writing here recently. Please please, tell me you still love me!?

Oh, it's always fun to meet your very ex. Today was the day for me, I met the guy who was Really BIG one 10 years ago. I was so sad and bitter after we broke up, I was so sure he was The One. And even in near past I've been playing with the thought "what if.." You know what? I kept looking at him, talking to him.. and my brain was working "what on earth have I been thinking? How could it be that I was so deeply madly in love with him??" I felt nothing. Entirely empty. And at the same time I felt relieved. Now I can forget all those stupid mind games and concentrate totally on my life and my husband and my family. It seems to me that I've made the right choices, life carries me and all those cliches. What a beautiful day this is!

Gosh, Now it's official. I applied an interesting job at the hospital I work in and I got it! I will spend this summer at home with my baby, but then on August I will start at the new vacancy. Now that I have all the papers with signatures, I can finally take a deep breath. :) So this means that my daughter will go in kinder garden. She still is so young that it feels kinda awkward. But she and I loved the place and the people there, so I'm sure everything will be all right.

I'm so frustrated. I need AIR and FREEDOM. It feels like it's been a lifetime from the last time I was out walking or jogging or anything alone without my daughter. It is spring. I love the smell of melting dog shit and now I've missed that. Soon it'll be to dry out there to smell nothing but flowers. Then it's summer and my springyness is gone. And another thing. When I go shopping, I spend lots of money for stuff for my daughter. Then buying some decent jeans for me pricks my conscience. When did this happen to me? I used to be so logical and smart and I loved shopping for myself. Gosh I think I'm in a need of therapy.

Gosh. Why didn't anyone tell me how super good Moulin Rouge soundtrack is?? I've been dancing and jumping and singing all day because of this. Oh JOY, this is the Joy! I remember I hated Ewan back then (when the film itself was released), but now I'm totally in love.. It's not that I wish to hear Ewan's voice every day from the radio but that it's fresh and bracing right now.

Why is it that evil!Sammy is soooooo hot?? Is there something wrong with me? I just found it absolutely sexy when Sam kicked Dean's ass. Brotherly violence mmmm... :) The only thing I missed in the episode I saw yesterday was having him SHIRTLESS. Why do we get shirtless!Dean every now and then but no Sam? Is he so shy?

Thousand apologies. It's me, being ignoring and neglecting my decision to write down my thoughts every now and then. I've also been ignoring my need to read fics. Right now the every now and then has been too long time period. Well, you just can't expect too much of yourself when you are teaching 12 hours a week and spending the rest of the time with your baby.

Tired, that's what I am. I caught a flu a week ago and couldn't afford to stay away from teaching. Nothing comes out from my mouth on the mornings - a fact that my husband must be happy about.. since I'm not a very morning person. I had to get up and go to cough in different room several times at night so that I won't wake my daughter. So I have an awful headache.. And did I remember to tell you, that I've been eating all kinds of shit so that I've gained 2 kgs weight during this week. Please, tell me it's just the juice and medicine I've been having!

So, my creativity is in it's lowest level. I've got no plots, dialogs, monologues or whatsoever in my mind. Just the big bubble of thoughts and to dos. Teaching ends in 20 days. Maybe after that I'll have more time for my own intimate things. Blah.

Kävin tänään Jennyn kanssa eksän luona kylässä. Tuli tosi hyvä mieli siitä, että meiän välit on pysyneet ennallaan kaikkien elämänmuutosten jälkeenkin. Hän on yhä se ihana äreä älykkö, jonka kans voi jutella melkeen mistä vain. Ja siltikään hän ei tunnu yhtään Oikealta. Ei sillä herkullisella tavalla, kuin Hra. Aviomies tuntuu. Miten asiat voikin olla näin hyvin??

Kummitädin mies sai tänään sydänkohtauksen ja elvytysyrityksistä huolimatta kuoli sairaalassa. Ihan äkkiä. Tuosta noin vaan. Miehellä ei ollut mitään perussairauksia, ellei viikonloppujuopottelua lasketa. Mun kummitädiltä kuoli aviomies 15 vuotta sitten, ja hän suri todella pitkään.. ja nyt, kun hän löysi ihanan, itseään täydentävän miehen, kävi näin.

Just vähän aikaa sitten juteltiin siitä, kuinka haluan aina sanoa ihmisille kunnolla HEIHEI, kun lähden jonnekin / he lähtevät. Mieheni kun ei oikein osaa sanoa heiheitä ikinä, ja minusta se on taas tosi tärkeää.. Kun et koskaan voi tietää, milloin näet rakkaasi viimeisen kerran. Oon tosi tyytyväinen, että halasin kummitädin miestä, kun viimeksi erottiin. Suru on vähän puserossa. Kummitätini oli niin onnellinen, ja he sopivat niin hurjan hyvin yhteen. Heidän piti tänään lähteä tänne Pohjois-Suomeen ajelemaan Turusta, ja tädin mies sai parkkipaikalla sydänkohtauksen. Sydän oli saatu elvytettyä, mutta hengitystä ei.

Kun tulin kotiin, ajattelin juuri alennusmyynneistä ostaamaani uutta untuvatakkiani, nukkuvaa lastani ja ruokakasseja. Ja ihan ensimmäisenä mies kaappaa mut kainaloonsa. Tuntui tosi hyvältä vaan olla siinä ja hengittää. Toisinaan tuo miehen eleetön rakkaus osuu täysin kohdalleen. Tsiljoona erilaista tunnetta pörrää päällä.

Uh. It's been a while since the last post. Not that I've been busy, I've just had other things on my mind. Winter has finally arrived. There's the snow, air is cold and crispy, and I can see my breathing outside. Oh, and the sun is shining. I'm full of energy! I should start planning my teachings.. I'll be giving lectures on telemedicine on March, and that'll be nice change for my daily routines.

It's not that I don't like waking up at 10 am, doing my morning things smoothly with Jenny, having a nice nap with her at 1pm.. But my body and my mind really need a schedule. Something to lean on. Something that sets the pace because otherwise I'll end up lazy. I think a part of this is because I've been burning the candle at both ends for a really long time. It's funny that having a child is this relaxing! I always thought it would be a pain in the ass.

So happy. That is what I am.

OK. After the parking ticket I just thought that would be it. The total amount of this years misfortune fulfilled. How wrong was I. Today my beautiful Saab decided I am electric enough for both of us. So she just shut herself off from this world. And guess what? There was no *ziuuuummmm* sound there always is in the movies when the electricity goes down. It just blinked me some lights (perhaps that was her "Bye bye, I'm off to India now") and then nothing worked anymore. We tried to charge the battery of hers with my husbands Toy-ota with cables, but she refused to co-operate.

So now I'm without my car and just thinking wtf I should do. I guess I need to prepare myself to loose lots of money I don't have. Oh and yes, of course there is the silver lining. Luckily my husband has tomorrow off from work so he can be home with our baby when I'll be out there looking like an idiot at the car repairing place.. If I manage to get my car there. Oh and luckily I don't have any Very Important Things to do tomorrow or following weekend.. If this had happened a week later I would be in trouble.

But please. Allow me to say this just this once. Because I really need it and I never use these words on my normal life. F U C K, Perkele, helvetti että vituttaa fy fan!

There. Thank you.

There's this funny thing in Christmas time. You'll never get hungry. I'm so full of everything I've eaten that my digestive system is overloaded and acting grumpy. And now, after writing that I should feel guilty about all those chocolate bars and ham and those poor little africans suffering from hunger, but I don't. Am I a bad person?

I sense the new beginning is coming closer. Today I went for a walk with my baby, I almost didn't eat too much and I took grip of my life. I actually did some things I've been thinking starting to consider in the near future for some time now. That also means I haven't been reading slashy lovely fanfics in some time now. It is possible to live without a daily fanfic dose! So I'm really getting into a better person, even without New Year's promises.

Oh my, what a nice day. The day is always nice if you get a parking ticket. That's just a lovely way to remind you of the stupidity and the lousy memory of yours. This one I got during 10 minutes stop after forgotting that stupid stupid parking disc. So this is what it does to you to spend your days inside with a child.

The man of my dreams came home before eight pm, and once I slipped my arms around him and kissed him, his first words were "You have parked your car in front of the garage" in very very accusating tone. Why is it that there are times when everything you do or say is wrong how hard you try? I guess this all have to do something with the fact I'm ovulating, and therefore horny as hell and frustrated. And then, there comes phemie with her Jared/Jensen-pics and all that Jared's fingerplay and TomW cute lips and spn eyefuck sessions and and and.. THEY JUST DRIVE YOU CRAZY! It hurts to realize what's the thing people actually see in Jared. It means I'm only couple of steps behind of jumping in conclusions I should not make yet. :)

So here I am, spending my money on chirstmas presents I really cannot afford but I want to buy them because the people I'm going to give them are so dear to me. Please somebody, help me to stay sane! Or just come to clean up our home for me! Or do the christmas cookings, please?

Self analysis part one: I have a tendency to write my journal only when I'm not happy.
So until this day I've been really satisfied - there's been enough love, tender and care, good h/d fics to keep me smiling and enough dancing.

Self analysis part two: Life has a tendency to maintain emotional balance.
Today I experienced lots and lots of negative emotions: disappointment (my husband leaves a mess everywhere!), anger (my husband leaves a mess everywhere!) and self pity (...).

Self analysis part three: After a bad day comes a bad evening.
So this was the day I had my 100. episode of Smallville for the first time. Oh Clarkie, you are so pretty in suit! And your lips are SOOOOO kissable! But oh oh that bitter sweet sorrow in the end. I just finished watching the episode and I'm still breathless. Oh oh my poor heart. The end of the episode - Jonathan's funeral.. Uh. It was so beautiful. Wonderful colors, glorious snow, handsome Clarkie in a suit.. The taste of tears on my tongue..

This is where I go to sleep.

So now it's truly official. Men are idiots.

I've been trying not to be crampy even though my dear h-band has been annoying in every meaning of the word. Thank gods and little elves and incubuses it's been The Independence Day, when you don't have to go to work. You see, the man has a habit to use the Snooooooooze button in his two alarm clocks. That makes my and my baby's mornings a living hell. When you listen that f**king beeping sound for 45 minutes and try keep your baby asleep, you will definitely get crampy. And then after that beep concert he comes from the shower and puts all the lights on in the bedroom and finally manages to wake up me and the baby - well that's really worth of Mr. Annoying title, isn't it?

Oh and did I mention that all this is my fault? He cannot get up after the first two beeps because I come to bed so late. Or that's what HE says.

So after the big fight on Tuesday morning we've been the perfect happy couple ever since. I've been the perfect wife and mother and he's been loving and caring husband. It seems like that morning was weeks ago! I'm just waiting for tomorrow morning with horror.

Today I saw the Da Vinci Code. Graaah.. Why is it that Tom Hanks can only act the Tom Hanks character? Just like Jack Nicholson can only do the Jack Nicholson role well? I've read the DVC book and well, it wasn't as good as Angels and Demons. So the film was somewhat boring, especially when you knew all the time what was going to happen. There were too much Tom in it and too little of Audrey. Tomorrow I will have my way with the Superman Returns.

Now it's also perfect time to announce it: I'm High-Level Nerd. It also said I'm definitely MIT material, and that I should apply now.

Woke up this morning 5 hours earlier than usually. 6:30am that is. Perfect beginning for a perfect day. I drove my dad to hospital.. then came back home, getting ready for dentist and my root canal treatment. If the dentist wasn't bad enough, my dad called me they had canceled his operation due some laboratory tests. So I had to drive back to hospital to get him. All this with my 6 months old baby. And then during the second trip to hospital the DHL guy had been here trying to deliver me a packet I've been wanting to get as soon as possible..

And in that packet there will be my christmas present to my husband, an item he asked me to get for him. And just some time ago he came home from business trip and he has bought that same fucking item for himself from that trip.

And still I'm so pissed off that I'm not seeing straight. How am I going to act like I haven't bought him that present already? It's 3 weeks to christmas. GRRR. Men suck.

I had my experience with Mr. Craig, Mr Mikkelsen and Ms. Green.

The beginning of the film was purely beautiful. I just loved the world without colours, the glowing Mr. Bond and the beautiful but still kinda familiar directing tricks they had at the bathroom fighting scene. Oh and the animation: loved the music, loved the symbolism, loved Mr. Craig.

Then there was the parkour guy, his movements were pretty amazing I would say. And it was just hilarious, how 007 kept up with him with his own bondish style. Mr. Craig had fantastic expressions, and I liked her voice. Not as much as I like Alan Rickman's voice but still.. also Daniel (Mr. Craig, may I call you just Daniel) could undress me with the sound of his voice only. But then luckily there were things I didn't quite like about Daniel. His upper body. Yuck. So unbalanced. He could really do some Nia to open himself up a little. Then his quadriceps femoris muscles. WAY too big when compared to his semitendinosus muscles. And that affected to his movements so that sometimes he looked like a giant elephant when he was walking. But still, Thank You Martin Campbell for giving me the naked Mr. Craig. It was a brave thing to do. Even though I prefer Daniel with clothes on, even more with tailored suit on.

Eva Green was once again pretty with her kissme-lips. But then again, watching that poor little girl die because Daniel Craig can not resusciate was awful. Honestly, the movie should have ended when Mr. Mikkelsen ended his career as Mr. Handsome Bad Guy. After that it was only Daniel's cute little arse that kept the movie going on.

Now, that said it's been quite a day. I've been spending some time with my father (we went to watch the movie together). I'm really glad I did it because it was really wonderful to do the movie recapitulation with him. And for me movie recapitulation is as important as the movie itself is. And then I talked a lot with my dad. It was refreshing and nice.. We really don't have too many that kind of moments.

Did some research about Mr. Mikkelsen. This quote of his is my favorite: "I'm a beer man. I tried to drink whiskey and Scotch but I don't get it. It smells like a girl who didn't shower and just splashed a lot of perfume on."

Finally I feel I'm getting back to my old self. By that I mean the time before baby - bb. And the most important actor in bringing me back to life is the amount of recent movies I watch. This weekend gave me 2 cultural experiences, one with Finnish Matti and one with Memoirs of a Geisha. First of all. Matti - a Solarfilm production, was well, Solarfilm production. End of story.

Today I had my time with Ziyi Zhang and her beautiful smile. I kinda enjoyed the film for first hour. I loved the colours, the atmosphere and the work of the production team. It was very professional but it offered nothing new. Oh and the rest of the time it was hard for me to concentrate. Ziyi had shown her most beautiful smiles, Ken Watanabe had been the man of one's dreams. So then I just waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And Waited. And.

Then there was the Kiss. The thing about this kind of kisses is that they really should look breathtaking, only once in a lifetime experiences. But no, not this kiss. This was just the ordinary "Oh please, lets make it look good for the camera" kiss. No big teardrops on my cheeks even though I tried to squeeze some out.

So. After this I'm really truly madly looking forward to 007 Casino Royale. Tomorrow is The Day for it. And for your information, I blame phemie for everything.